First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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