Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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