I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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