I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
