i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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