You're earring is so big in my mouth
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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