Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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