I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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