She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
