my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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