you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
