Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
