mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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