Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
