Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
