hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
