Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
