So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize