If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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