i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
