She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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