I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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