Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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