why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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