the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
