Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
can u get pink eye on your cock?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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