So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
