Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
