Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
