dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
