Betty ford says i'm here all night
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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