This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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