Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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