man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you're hired as official boob wrangler
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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