I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
