There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
