We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
