Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
