I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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