We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
