i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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