sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
