saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize