I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've blown a few things in my day
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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