sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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