Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
