i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The feeling are messing with the penis
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
