Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
