I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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