I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
