Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
