I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
