last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
