Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
