this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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