Little spoons don't ask big questions
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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