Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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